I feel like I should acknowledge that today marks 6 months since we lost Macie. One part of me can't believe the time has gone that fast, and the other part of me feels like it's been forever (or, least, much longer than 6 months). Last Sunday was the first Sunday we missed visiting the cemetery. We didn't mean to not go. We simply forgot. While I felt terrible, I realize that this is part of our healing. I don't feel the need to go every single week anymore, and we were busy with cooking for lots of people (13 to be exact), so it slipped my mind. I think we'll still try to go weekly, but I'm not going to feel guilty when we can't. We went today and cleaned off her headstone. I sat next to it while the kids ran around. I thought about her for a long time, mostly wondering what she would look like.
I keep thinking of how Macie affected so many people, the nurses in particular. She touched the mortuary lady so much (the one who took care of our arrangements, and dressed her in her blessing-turned-burial dress). The lady (Becky?) made a point to tell one of my friends just how strongly she felt like our little girl was an angel. She dressed her, put her bow in, and then sat and held her and cried. She couldn't leave. I don't know for how long, but the thought of that still makes me weepy.
I love that Macie's aunt Kristina went to great lengths to make sure we'd have some beautiful white hair bows in time for the funeral. I love that she sent FOUR of them so we could choose. I love that Macie had lots of dark hair - definitely enough hair to wear a bow in it. I love that Emma sometimes puts one of the other three in her own hair.
I love that my mom made her a beautiful pink quilt, and it ended up covering her casket at the funeral. At first I wanted to box it up and put it away to save, but Emma really likes having it out. And I do too. As I went to check on her in bed last night, this is what I saw. It tugged at my heart.
It makes me smile when I see helium balloons. If my kids get their hands on one, watch out, because in less than 10 seconds they'll be sending it to their sister in heaven, yelling to her that they're sending her a balloon for her and her friends. (Thank you, Trader Joe's, for the free balloons.)
I cry when I remember our long drive to the cemetery for the funeral, which was the saddest and most peaceful day of my life. While I went to mourn the loss of one daughter, my other daughter sang Primary songs (unprompted) to us the entire drive. One in particular I remember - "My Life is a Gift." It sure is.
I often wonder what milestones she'd be hitting about now. Would she like her rice cereal? Would she have teeth yet? What color are her eyes? What is she doing now? I guess that's all up to the imagination.
13 comments:
Your sweet words make my heart hurt for you but make me appreciate my sweet little family even more. Your in my prayers today and always!
Love you Emma, Tyler, and Macie. (and Spencer and Cheri)
Wow 6 months it will be 6 months for Harry on the 28th. I am so sorry again. But I am so glad you are feeling some peace. HOw great that you guys go visit her so often. I too love those little things my kids do to remember and let me know that they have a brother in heaven that they love. I too remember that drive to the cemetry how horrible yet peaceful like you said. Such a hard time. I hope you can find peace and feel her near. What a beautiful baby I'm sure she is.
I love you Cheri. And I don't say that lightly.
I love the blanket your mom made too. It was so beautiful at the funeral. I love seeing Emma all wrapped up with it. I thought of Macie first thing this morning as well.
Oh Cheri, you know how to get me teared up! What a tender post. I am still choked up after reading about sweet Becky holding Macie. I loved reading your thoughts on Macie and the healing process that you all are going through. Know that we love you guys and are thinking of you today especially.
I hope you continue to know that little Macie continues to affect us all. Your words of peace are comforting and make me realize how precious life is. My imagination, imagines her as a beautiful dark haired smiley girl, entertained by her older two siblings...I am sure that she is like that in heaven looking down!
Thank you Cheri. You have such a beautiful way with words and with the Spirit.
We love you and you continue to be in our prayers.
Your post was beautiful... it made me get all weepy and feel grateful for the blessing it is to know you.
Your message made me tear up cheri, and I'm not usually one to cry. You have an adorable family, and you have shown so much strength through your loss. I hope only the best for you :)
And the paintings I did for heidi I loved, and they were so fun for me to do..so I'll be doing some similar ones in the future..you can let me know if you would like any of the new ones ;)
not a day goes by that i don't wonder what is happening with you. i cannot fathom what you've been through in your short life. i love you and your family so much and i appreciate the example that you set for so many other people. i love my sister's favorite saying (especially when i have a problem in my life) and i find it very helpful. "live.laugh.love." short sweet and to the point. ;-)
oh, Cheri. I thought of Macie so SO much in the days before and on her 6-month birthday. And I'm feeling regret that I didn't do a single thing to let you know. :o\
We love her and miss her too -- she will always hold a special place in our hearts, I sometimes get teary thinking of the drive to the cemetery as well. Thank you for sharing the ways your children remember and love her, so touching, and we have so much to learn from our little ones.
We LOVE YOU guys!
I hope you don't mind me visiting your blog. I just want you to know I am sorry you have experienced so much sadness. Your faith and testimony is such a great example to the rest of us. You remind me to keep an eternal perspective. I know you will hold your little girl again someday.
Also - congrats on a new home
Kristen Howlett
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