Friday, October 30, 2009

last year

This is where we were one year ago today. When one of my friends saw this, months ago, she said, "This picture breaks my heart."

Mine too. I guess it always will.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

our little corner of heaven

Thank you to everyone for your comments and notes. I had a really hard week - I was so emotional and was so worried about how I would feel today. But I felt fine. I felt a lot of peace, and I think I only got slightly teary one time. I guess the lead-up to today was way worse than the actual day.

After church we started on dinner and got everything ready to go to the cemetery. We had to get balloons last night and they were getting a little...sad. Emma wrote notes all over them. Spencer and Tyler did the traditional pumpkin-carving with an "M" for Macie.

I must say that today is one of the most beautiful fall days, just like how it was one year ago. It was warm, the sky was blue, and the cemetery was so peaceful. Rarely are we the only ones there, but today we were. Imagine my surprise as we pulled up and there was a huge, gorgeous bouquet on her headstone. My sweet friends had left it there for me, and the tag even included what is on her headstone - "Our little angel Macie." The flowers reminded me of her casket flowers - just beautiful. I have such wonderful friends. There was also another basket of fall flowers, with the tag "Sunday Will Come." What precious words those are, for so many reasons (besides the fact that our Bishop used that talk for his talk at Macie's funeral last year).

Here are the balloons, which barely made it above the trees, and surely came down a block or two away. They needed some serious prodding. At least they made it out of sight. Wow, I am looking forward to being able to buy balloons on the actual day of her 2nd bday next year.

I love that Emma kicked off her shoes and made herself comfortable on the grass. Tyler asked if Macie was smiling. We sang her Happy Birthday and ate her pink cupcakes, then took some pictures. It was fun and simple and peaceful. And perfect.

365 days ago

A year ago this morning, I woke up with no clue I would hold a baby that afternoon. I also had no clue the baby inside would me wouldn't be a real living, breathing baby, but instead she would be an angel. I had no clue that the light contractions were in fact indicating the end of a life inside of me, trying to rid my body of something that was no longer kicking, moving, living. I had no idea I would have be admitted to the hospital, only to come home a few days later with no baby. I remember praying so hard that she would somehow be alive, even after they told me she wasn't.

When I hear of others who have had stillborns, for an instant I cringe and think, "I could never do that. I could never bear it." Oh, but I did. It almost feels like that 8 1/2 months of my life was more of a dream. But the real end hasn't come yet and I just have to be patient. I yearn for better technology, a machine that can show if there is something wrong with the umbilical cord. I am terrified of ever being pregnant again, if I get so lucky again someday.

Oh how thankful I am for our families, who helped us, and continue to help us deal with it. So many of them sent cards, emails, texts, gifts, and items for Macie's grave for this, her 1 year birthday.

Some random thoughts:

-It rained the day we buried her. It rained on the way to the cemetery. It stopped when we got out of the car, and bits of sun peeked out. It rained as we drove home.
-Someday I will get to be her mom again. I think we'll be friends, like equals. I know she still exists and I know she is happy. My soul is healing. But I still miss my baby.
-I drive past the hospital almost every day (not intentionally; it's just really close). But I have had a hard time driving past it the last few weeks. The leaves are changing colors, and the trees outside the hospital look just as they did when I was staying there. I don't like it.
-Spencer had to go see someone in the hospital a few weeks ago. He had a panic attack upon walking in the door. I think I would have too. That was his first time back. I haven't been back since I left almost one year ago.
-So, in her honor, we will be having a party today - eating cupcakes, letting balloons go, and singing her a song or two. Time is surely different where she is, and maybe this is more for us than for her, but I'm sure she'll enjoy it too. If you'd like to give your kids a squeeze at 4 pm local time, I think it would do us all some good.

Happy Birthday Macie!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

in her own words

You know, sometimes I have a really crappy day. Not often, but sometimes. Yesterday was one such day. But then something happened to turn it all around.

Emma has had a loose tooth for...a year? It sure feels like it's been that long. She finally was so over the loose tooth thing, and asked me to pull it out. Ew. But hey, taking out some frustration on another person's mouth didn't sound too bad. After a few tugs that weren't super successful (hey dad, I need you to teach me how to make that flexible knot out of dental floss), I stuck my fingers in and pretty much got it out. One more small tug later, and our family's (I mean, Emma's) first baby tooth was lost!

Well, Emma had a cute little container to stick that tiny tooth in. But - no joke - not 20 minutes later, the container was missing! We looked for it unsuccessfully. I wish I was quicker on my feet, but I did tell her we would write a note to the tooth fairy and ask her to still come and leave Emma some money, and we would find the tooth later for her. Emma seemed ok with that. I sent the kids to bed.

Before I went to bed I went in to, ya know, do the tooth fairy thing. There was the note from me, and then I saw one that Emma had written to her. And man oh man, seeing this note to the tooth fairy totally turned my day around.

Dear Tooth Fairy,

Find it.


Thanks for the laughs, Emma.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

crying it out

A couple weeks ago when I picked Emma up from school, she saw me and burst into tears. Shocked, I sat her down and asked what was wrong. She didn't really know and started rambling through her sobs. She never was able to verbalize what was wrong. That afternoon Tyler had a playdate and Emma asked if she and I could go on a "date." I was happy for the chance to talk to her and find out what had been going on. She requested a shake at McDonald's. As we sat and drank our shake she told me just how wonderful school is. I kept thinking about how upset she had been just an hour earlier. I was confused.

I came to a conclusion: Emma is just a girl. I can't count the number of times I've cried for no real reason. Sometimes it just feels so good to get it out, and sometimes a bunch of gibberish comes out in the process of "crying it out." When I told Spencer what had happened, and then told him the conclusion I had come to hours later, he looked at me with a "duh" look. I guess he's put up with me and my emotions for 8 years so of course he gets it.

Now I can't stop wondering what it will be like when she's a teenager.

But for now, Emma, thanks for validating me.

Thursday, October 1, 2009


With the train of life starting to pick up speed now that I have kids in school (room rep!) and am gaining more commitments, I've been feeling a little overwhelmed. I've had to find little ways to save time, de-stress, and be more productive. And by little, I do mean little. I want to maximize time with my kids and I want to be a happy mom and not a crazy stressy mom. (Sidenote: Last night Emma was sitting with me and asked me if I was "stressed.") So here are some things I've done/am doing:

*I unsubscribed from almost all the "junk" emails I receive. I mean, received (past tense). Every morning when I would check email, I would have between 15 and 20 emails, about half being "junk." My Blackberry's battery would be almost dead from receiving emails all night long. I've now gotten my overnight emails down to 8-10. Less time deleting, less time reading, more time for...something else. In theory.

*I unsubscribed from unnecessary blogs. This one was hard for me to give up. I actually unsubscribed from PW! She is just fantastic but reading and envying her every morning was just cutting out more time that I needed. Now I can go to her site when I have the time, hopefully much less frequently than every day. I didn't go far enough to give up personal blogs of friends and family, but I was subscribed to 110 of them in total and had to lose the unnecessary ones.

*Laundry. I still hate it, but now I use that time more efficiently. I put most of it away right when it's done and then do some of the folding in my room while I have the scriptures (audio) playing on my computer. (I was under a Bishop-imposed deadline to have the BoM done by tomorrow!) That has made the time more enjoyable, though all the multi-tasking makes my head spin sometimes.

*Dinner lists - I plan ahead. This is probably a big no-brainer, but I would stress out every day around 3:00 as I couldn't figure out what to make, or if I had decided to make something but didn't have all the ingredients. I used to plan out dinners for the week but it just wasn't enough. I started planning 3-4 weeks out and it has completely simplified my life! I ask Spencer what he'd like me to make, then I fill in the rest based on what I have stocked or our plans for the month. I keep updated shopping lists on my phone and have a list on the fridge of what is on the menu for the near future. No more calling Spencer frantically, asking him what he wants for dinner, just to shoot down all his suggestions because we don't have the stuff to make it!

I'm not simplified out yet, so tell me: How do you simplify?