Saturday, April 25, 2009

Half a year

I feel like I should acknowledge that today marks 6 months since we lost Macie. One part of me can't believe the time has gone that fast, and the other part of me feels like it's been forever (or, least, much longer than 6 months). Last Sunday was the first Sunday we missed visiting the cemetery. We didn't mean to not go. We simply forgot. While I felt terrible, I realize that this is part of our healing. I don't feel the need to go every single week anymore, and we were busy with cooking for lots of people (13 to be exact), so it slipped my mind. I think we'll still try to go weekly, but I'm not going to feel guilty when we can't. We went today and cleaned off her headstone. I sat next to it while the kids ran around. I thought about her for a long time, mostly wondering what she would look like.

I keep thinking of how Macie affected so many people, the nurses in particular. She touched the mortuary lady so much (the one who took care of our arrangements, and dressed her in her blessing-turned-burial dress). The lady (Becky?) made a point to tell one of my friends just how strongly she felt like our little girl was an angel. She dressed her, put her bow in, and then sat and held her and cried. She couldn't leave. I don't know for how long, but the thought of that still makes me weepy.

I love that Macie's aunt Kristina went to great lengths to make sure we'd have some beautiful white hair bows in time for the funeral. I love that she sent FOUR of them so we could choose. I love that Macie had lots of dark hair - definitely enough hair to wear a bow in it. I love that Emma sometimes puts one of the other three in her own hair.

I love that my mom made her a beautiful pink quilt, and it ended up covering her casket at the funeral. At first I wanted to box it up and put it away to save, but Emma really likes having it out. And I do too. As I went to check on her in bed last night, this is what I saw. It tugged at my heart.

It makes me smile when I see helium balloons. If my kids get their hands on one, watch out, because in less than 10 seconds they'll be sending it to their sister in heaven, yelling to her that they're sending her a balloon for her and her friends. (Thank you, Trader Joe's, for the free balloons.)

I cry when I remember our long drive to the cemetery for the funeral, which was the saddest and most peaceful day of my life. While I went to mourn the loss of one daughter, my other daughter sang Primary songs (unprompted) to us the entire drive. One in particular I remember - "My Life is a Gift." It sure is.

I often wonder what milestones she'd be hitting about now. Would she like her rice cereal? Would she have teeth yet? What color are her eyes? What is she doing now? I guess that's all up to the imagination.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Our humble abode

I am finally almost finished painting; one room remains, and I plan to tackle it tomorrow (Emma's room). My walls are still almost entirelybare. As soon as the painting is totally done I will decide where to put things. I'm excited to get decorating with pictures, vinyl, etc. (Do I use "totally" too much?)

This is what our bedroom used to look like. Nice...but kinda boring. White walls.

Here is our bedroom now. We painted this pretty quickly on the first day we took ownership, thanks to some wonderful YSA's who scrambled over once they heard we were official and could go crazy. I love the blue and how it looks with our furniture - it might be my favorite room in the house.

Here is our laundry room, from the other side (from a different angle than the picture I posted last week). I call it a laundry room, but it's really quite big and I use it as an office/den/craft room as well. It's big enough for a couch, a desk, and the computer (as well as all my craft supplies), in addition to the washer/dryer. I love the sunny yellow color.
Our sweet neighbor painted this room by herself. Well, she did have the help of Emma and Tyler. She painted squares on the wall and had the kids fill those in. They did a great job. I don't know if they were a help or a hinderance. Actually, I do know.

Here is a picture of the cream/tan color we used in our living room/hallway, with the burgundy accent wall. Can't wait to decorate that wall! I love how it looks - it's what you see right as you walk into our house. (Notice the nice baseboards - props to Spencer and our two friends!)

As you can tell, we got pretty lucky with the colors we chose. I was happy with all of them. Until last night, that is. We had picked a color that we were sure we would love. I wanted something with a green tint, but this was way too blue. It looked like play-doh. Or blue raspberry bubble yum. Or... I don't know what else. Toothpaste? I was incredibly disappointed. I ran to the hardware store at 9 pm and got a color - a very light green with hints of yellow - instead. I LOVE the new color. So here's a shot of the ugly blue being quickly covered up by the green.

Here is what this part of my kitchen looked like before we did any work. (I know, we had no furniture in yet, but ALL WALLS IN THIS HOUSE WERE WHITE.)

And here is what it (breakfast nook section) looks like now. Do you love it as much as I do?
I love it so much, in fact, that I bought the paint color one shade lighter to use in Emma's room. I'm pretty sure it will look fantastic. (It looks more tan in these pictures, but it's definitely a light green.) By the way, that cute breakfast nook set is my new favorite piece of furniture. Craigslist baby! It's wonderful to have another place for the kids to sit (for coloring, etc.) aside from our nice dining table.

Coming in a couple weeks - a new front door. I'll also post a couple pictures once I have completed my decorating. I'm so glad the inside is almost done! The outside is a completely different story...
(Project for sometime in the next two years - a kitchen re-do.)

Thursday, April 16, 2009


There is nothing quite like running/dancing/crawling BAREFOOT on new carpet. And boy oh boy, we love it!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Rolling along

We now have beautiful white baseboards, thanks to a kind neighbor who donated his entire Saturday to show us (well, Spencer) what the heck we were supposed to be doing, and thanks to Spencer's EQ secretary who is, quite literally, straight from heaven. FYI - you can add nice new baseboards in your house for under $50! Totally worth it. I get new carpet on Wednesday and am so excited yet so darn scared that after all this drama/backordering/changing our colors we will hate it. So scared.

My walls remain bare. We've had our walls painted (including a burgundy accent wall) for over a week, and I just can't decide where to put things. Maybe now that we're permanent it's more important. We moved 10 times in less than 7 years of marriage, so I have decided that we are not moving for the next 7 years to make up for it. Filling a 25 foot truck two times might mean we have too much stuff to drag around. Probably. (Here's a little preview of what my laundry room looks like.)

Some of our best friends came down last week for a little visit. I felt awful that we are still so crazy in our house and I didn't get to spend as much time with them as I wanted to, but it was SO great to see them. Camille is someone I just click with, and she is such a great mom. Their boys are sweet and darling, and my kids had the best time.

Easter was just so nice. I was surprised by how much more the holiday touched me than it has before. The word "resurrection" has been on the brain in such a different way than it has ever been previously. Spencer wanted a traditional Easter dinner even though we couldn't find anyone (last-minute) to eat it with us. So I have lots of leftover ham and funeral potatoes. Yum.

It's Spring Break, which isn't a huge change for me since my kids aren't in school anyway, but I do feel added pressure to make it fun. Any ideas?

Here are some pictures from our Easter. This blog has been rather picture-less for a while, which I definitely prefer. But sometimes people just need something to look at. These were at our hunt on Saturday night. Our Easter Bunny was tired and the hunt wasn't until right before bed. The kids got a kick out of it. Thank goodness they're still little enough for it to be fun. By the look on Tyler's face you'd think he had found something much more valuable than a Reese's.

I have cute pictures of the kids in their Easter clothes on my photo blog. I'm too lazy to add them here too. :)

Monday, April 6, 2009


I am a firm believer that experiences change your perspective. A few months ago, at the viewing of a loved one, Elder Richard G. Scott came over to me and Spencer. We had just lost Macie 5 weeks previous, and he had heard about it. With tears in his eyes he stared right into mine and told me how sorry he was. As we cried together, I knew he was a compassionate man with so much love in his heart, and walked away from that experience wanting to be more like that. Most people wouldn't really look at me or talk to me at that point, not knowing what to say. He knew exactly what to say.

After this weekend, I understand a bit more about where he was coming from. Having lost two children of his own, in addition to his wife more recently, he had the perfect perspective in being the one to talk to me and express his sadness for us. What an incredible man with a huge heart. He has forever touched me. And to think that as a teenager I thought he was monotone and boring. Clearly I have seen the light. I must have been the boring one.

I think I've recently gotten a different/new perspective in a few areas. Tyler may be 3 1/2 but he is still my "baby" and I treasure the fact that he's a momma's boy. It used to drive me nuts but having someone to cuddle and kiss me (and say "I love you" FIVE HUNDRED times a day) totally gets me.

I'm seeing Emma for the wonderful big sister that she is. She gets creative in the ways she chooses to decorate her sister's grave. I love that she always takes a flower (or leaf) from our house, like we're taking part of our home to Macie since she can't physically be here. Yesterday Emma grabbed some of the blooming flowers right in front of our house. When we got there she separated them and went about her decorating. She saved the biggest one, with the thickest stem, to push into the ground right under the headstone. Oh it looks beautiful. It's amazing how great of a big sister she can be not only to Tyler but to a sweet angel she's never met.

I {am trying to} treasure those quiet moments when the kids are in my arms, or when they're asleep, or when they're playing together so nicely. No longer do I try to rush off and get things done. Those are the times I want to be around them most. Life is short and much to un-predictable to not enjoy every minute.

Lastly, I am trying to consider others' perspectives, no matter how skewed they may be. Two months ago, an older lady in my ward came up to me and said, "At least you didn't get to hold her and get to know her before she passed away." That stung, and I came home crying. Of course it was insensitive, but she didn't know what she was saying. If she had my perspective, there is no way she would have said such a thing.

Anyway, I loved Elder Scott's talk this weekend and I am thankful there are many others who know what we've gone through. That helps me to realize that in due time we will be completely healed from it.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


We slept in our new house last night. This morning Spencer and I said to each other, "This feels like home." (Nevermind that we did live there for a year.) It's always been home and we're glad to be back. Especially after 3 weeks of DRAMA.

My laundry room is a bright, happy yellow color. Ahh, an indoor laundry room...
My bedroom is a beautiful, calming blue.
New carpet comes in two weeks.
I have a huge dining area.
And I have grand plans for the rest of the house.

Oh, and I'm blogging from the driveway. I'm "borrowing" our friends' wireless. I don't even mind having to come outside to get the internet... because we own a house! (Now, let's hope Spencer keeps his job.)

Now if someone would come take a roto-tiller to my entire front yard and plant grass for me...

Pictures to come when I can find my usb cable. One thing at a time, right??