365 days ago

A year ago this morning, I woke up with no clue I would hold a baby that afternoon. I also had no clue the baby inside would me wouldn't be a real living, breathing baby, but instead she would be an angel. I had no clue that the light contractions were in fact indicating the end of a life inside of me, trying to rid my body of something that was no longer kicking, moving, living. I had no idea I would have be admitted to the hospital, only to come home a few days later with no baby. I remember praying so hard that she would somehow be alive, even after they told me she wasn't.

When I hear of others who have had stillborns, for an instant I cringe and think, "I could never do that. I could never bear it." Oh, but I did. It almost feels like that 8 1/2 months of my life was more of a dream. But the real end hasn't come yet and I just have to be patient. I yearn for better technology, a machine that can show if there is something wrong with the umbilical cord. I am terrified of ever being pregnant again, if I get so lucky again someday.

Oh how thankful I am for our families, who helped us, and continue to help us deal with it. So many of them sent cards, emails, texts, gifts, and items for Macie's grave for this, her 1 year birthday.

Some random thoughts:

-It rained the day we buried her. It rained on the way to the cemetery. It stopped when we got out of the car, and bits of sun peeked out. It rained as we drove home.
-Someday I will get to be her mom again. I think we'll be friends, like sisters...like equals. I know she still exists and I know she is happy. My soul is healing. But I still miss my baby.
-I drive past the hospital almost every day (not intentionally; it's just really close). But I have had a hard time driving past it the last few weeks. The leaves are changing colors, and the trees outside the hospital look just as they did when I was staying there. I don't like it.
-Spencer had to go see someone in the hospital a few weeks ago. He had a panic attack upon walking in the door. I think I would have too. That was his first time back. I haven't been back since I left almost one year ago.
-So, in her honor, we will be having a party today - eating cupcakes, letting balloons go, and singing her a song or two. Time is surely different where she is, and maybe this is more for us than for her, but I'm sure she'll enjoy it too. If you'd like to give your kids a squeeze at 4 pm local time, I think it would do us all some good.

Happy Birthday Macie!