and one more

I have spent the last 4 months living in a state of fear. Maybe fear isn't the right word...anxiety is more like it. I found out I was pregnant somewhat by accident at the end of March, spent a few days crying my eyes out like a selfish brat (I was shocked and really shaken up), and then spent the next several weeks worrying. I was sick on our otherwise super-fun cruise, and felt a little resentful because of it. I haven't slept well the last week or so, because I can't think about anything else. Last night I was awake every hour. I have had laryngitis and it hurts my throat to talk/swallow/eat.

But today I feel so much calm. We saw our baby this morning, saw the 4 chambers and the heartbeat, saw the brain, and saw every single perfect body part (amazing...considering all that can be seen from an 11 ounce tiny person). And honestly, I have been floating on a cloud all day long!! Seriously, it never gets old, and it might just get more exciting each time. I guess I was most nervous about finding out the gender...I know for sure this is my last and I knew that either way I was going to be sad to know that it would be our last boy or girl. I was shaking on the table today, almost in tears. The first thing I did was ask where the placenta was (it's a big deal for my body that it isn't in the "wrong" place...) and had so much relief to see that for once it isn't where it shouldn't be. I saw hands and arms up around the baby's face, and a teeny body bent almost in half.

And then the gender. Truly, I didn't care. I think people are so incredibly lucky if they get one of each these days, that I can't be selfish and get picky. But I secretly wanted Tanner - my caboose - to have a boy buddy. I held on to the fact that I thought it was a boy just for Tanner. Emma initially only wanted a girl because she never has gotten that sister she missed out on playing with when Macie died...and because it would be "the pattern." But we talked about how even if it was a girl they would be 9 years apart. Tyler didn't care one bit. Spencer was sure it was a girl.

And honestly, I am the one who is always right in this marriage (:D) but Spencer (and Emma) were spot-on this time. I was so excited I almost burst. I made the tech promise me it was a girl before we sent the text to our friend who was watching the kids. (She knew to let Emma read the text so Emma could be the FIRST one to know. Then she sweetly recorded their reactions. What a priceless treasure that video is to me.)

For the first time, I got to see one of my babies in 3D. Kinda creepy, but so sweet too.

I am thinking the anxiety will only increase over the next 4 months, especially with all the risks that a 5th c-section can entail. But I am also hoping the peace and calm will override the scared feelings and that things will go as well as they can. I know this baby is a huge blessing, and is absolutely supposed to come and I feel that more strongly every single day. Spencer gave me a blessing several weeks ago and I am feeling confident that my body will be made stronger and be able to do this one final time.

So here we go, even though we are already more than halfway. I can officially say I am excited for November!

(Showing the ultrasound pics to the kids.)