Monday, July 9, 2012

and one more

I have spent the last 4 months living in a state of fear. Maybe fear isn't the right word...anxiety is more like it. I found out I was pregnant somewhat by accident at the end of March, spent a few days crying my eyes out like a selfish brat (I was shocked and really shaken up), and then spent the next several weeks worrying. I was sick on our otherwise super-fun cruise, and felt a little resentful because of it. I haven't slept well the last week or so, because I can't think about anything else. Last night I was awake every hour. I have had laryngitis and it hurts my throat to talk/swallow/eat.

But today I feel so much calm. We saw our baby this morning, saw the 4 chambers and the heartbeat, saw the brain, and saw every single perfect body part (amazing...considering all that can be seen from an 11 ounce tiny person). And honestly, I have been floating on a cloud all day long!! Seriously, it never gets old, and it might just get more exciting each time. I guess I was most nervous about finding out the gender...I know for sure this is my last and I knew that either way I was going to be sad to know that it would be our last boy or girl. I was shaking on the table today, almost in tears. The first thing I did was ask where the placenta was (it's a big deal for my body that it isn't in the "wrong" place...) and had so much relief to see that for once it isn't where it shouldn't be. I saw hands and arms up around the baby's face, and a teeny body bent almost in half.

And then the gender. Truly, I didn't care. I think people are so incredibly lucky if they get one of each these days, that I can't be selfish and get picky. But I secretly wanted Tanner - my caboose - to have a boy buddy. I held on to the fact that I thought it was a boy just for Tanner. Emma initially only wanted a girl because she never has gotten that sister she missed out on playing with when Macie died...and because it would be "the pattern." But we talked about how even if it was a girl they would be 9 years apart. Tyler didn't care one bit. Spencer was sure it was a girl.

And honestly, I am the one who is always right in this marriage (:D) but Spencer (and Emma) were spot-on this time. I was so excited I almost burst. I made the tech promise me it was a girl before we sent the text to our friend who was watching the kids. (She knew to let Emma read the text so Emma could be the FIRST one to know. Then she sweetly recorded their reactions. What a priceless treasure that video is to me.)

For the first time, I got to see one of my babies in 3D. Kinda creepy, but so sweet too.

I am thinking the anxiety will only increase over the next 4 months, especially with all the risks that a 5th c-section can entail. But I am also hoping the peace and calm will override the scared feelings and that things will go as well as they can. I know this baby is a huge blessing, and is absolutely supposed to come and I feel that more strongly every single day. Spencer gave me a blessing several weeks ago and I am feeling confident that my body will be made stronger and be able to do this one final time.

So here we go, even though we are already more than halfway. I can officially say I am excited for November!

(Showing the ultrasound pics to the kids.)

29 comments:

House of Tong said...

Congrats on your fifth baby!! Yayyy, for Emma to have the sister she always wanted!! :)))

Matt and Morgan said...

Yay! We are excited for you!!

hales said...

I have been in such a "pink" mood all day. Yippee!!!

jksfam said...

Wow! Congratulations! I hope the rest of the pregnancy goes well!

Robert and Megan Elliott said...

I am thrilled for you or should I say over the moon. You are an amazing woman and you have some amazing kids. I look forward to meeting the next cutie :)

breanna said...

Congratulations!!! I am beyond thrilled for y'all....and SO excited for Emma!! I'm so glad the pattern was preserved...I completely understand it's utmost importance!! LOL!!!

siovhan said...

YAY!! Oh I'm so excited! And as someone whose sister is so much younger than me (Mikaela is 11 years younger) I can say that it's still awesome to have a sister. Especially as she gets older and we're more on the same plane.

jonna said...

Such happy news! Congrats! Just wait. In just a blink you'll be buying her wedding dress with her! Cuz that's just what we did today! Life is good!

jonna said...

Such happy news! Congrats! Just wait. In just a blink you'll be buying her wedding dress with her! Cuz that's just what we did today! Life is good!

jonna said...

Such happy news! Congrats! Just wait. In just a blink you'll be buying her wedding dress with her! Cuz that's just what we did today! Life is good!

Mark and Kim said...

What great news!! I am so happy and excited for you! The body is amazing what it can do as scary as a fifth cs may be. I hope you are feeling great now and through the rest of the pregnancy!

Kathryn said...

Cheri!! Congratulations to your whole little family :-D What a blessing YOU are to your darling children AND what a sweet little miracle is coming to your home. I will keep you in my prayers---that you will have the health and strength to endure. So 'WIRTH' it :-D HUGS!

Holly Dart said...

Congratulations, cheri!!!
My sis just had her 5th c section. Twins and she carried them to 37 weeks. The body is amazing! Praying that your peaceful feeling outlasts the pregnancy.

J.R. and Meg +3 said...

Congrats to your wonderful family!! So happy for you and praying for a healthy pregnancy as well! Baby girl--I am sure Emma is super excited:).

Candice said...

Congrats!!!!!

Unknown said...

I became suspicious when I saw your pink nursery pins on pintrest!! CONGRATULATIONS!!! I am so happy for you! My good friend has had 6 (yes 6) very successful c-sections~I will begin praying that this pregnancy is healthy, strong and successful for you and this sweet surprise!
Love to your growing (and growing up!) family.

Leslie Doughty

Carly said...

finally another girl for our family!!!!!! so excited!!!!!!

Jen said...

SO thrilling!!! Congrats to you all!

Lisa R.D. said...

I am so excited for you! I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well and that you survive the heat of summer. This sweet baby is so lucky to be a part of your family!

Natalie N said...

AHHHHHHH!!!!!! SUCH GREAT NEWS!!! CONGRATS to all of you! What a blessing. Loved hearing this news. My heart is happy for you.

Loved the Aspen Grove post too. I never really understood what happened up there, so I especially loved hearing about your experience there.

Congrats again on your pregnancy!! We love you guys.
xoxo

The John Hollingshaus Family said...

So happy for you and Emma! Love that girl!

Rachel said...

Congrats! I'm so thrilled for you guys! I'm so glad you could feel at peace after the ultrasound and I'm so glad that everything looked good. I'll be praying that you will continue to feel peace as your pregnancy continues for the next 4 months. What a wonderful blessing for your family to have another baby girl!

Steph and E said...

That is wonderful! So happy for your little family!

The Skoobs said...

I am so thrilled for you! How exciting!

Megan said...

How wonderful! Congratulations! We're so excited for you and for the lucky little girl who is coming to your family!

House of Tong said...

One more time......... CONGRATULATIONSSSSSSSSSSS followed by a happy dance!! Gotta be cool like Emma and Tyler :)

nihonkabu said...

I am so excited for you! More than words can say. Know that we love you & will be praying for you. Congrats!! Kathy (and if I can do anything from afar, please let me know!)

April said...

Ok we seriously should be best friends!!! I just found out last night I am pregnant(don't say anything on a comment on my blog no one knows yet!) It was an accident and i'm shocked and scared and I cried all day/night! My husband didn't get home till late that night and saw the test box in the garbage but no test in sight, he immediatly knew that meant I kept it. I am overwhelmed because I'm so not ready to have another one, this being my 5th baby like you but with 4 kids here on earth. My husband is in between jobs so no insurance or well money! he teaches at the local college as an adjunct teacher but well, doesn't pay alot. He has an amazing resume, mba, etc but nothing is happeneing. Anyway long story short I am terrified how this is supposed to work out. Harry was my accident baby and we kept saying it will all work out, but well, it didn't, not that way I wanted it to, so I'm terrified how this is going to workout. But thank you for your words, its true it really is so special and even though I'm only 6 weeks along I too hope to have a girl since this is our last. Thanks for letting me blah blah on here. I just have to tell someone! I am scared but I know it will be ok. I;m glad you are feeling better about it and so excited for yoU!!!

April said...

oh and sorry I didn't spell check, on my phone! oops