at home

I have noticed, particularly this week, just how much my attitude and actions affect and even control the feel inside our home. Having 4 kids isn't easy, though I realize I am lucky in a lot of ways. Most nights I do dinner/baths/homework/bedtime on my own, which sometimes frazzles me.

Monday night was crazy. It is a good sign that I don't remember why exactly it was crazy, but I just remember wanting to pass out once everyone was asleep. I was grumpy for some reason and was probably mumbling about how it is always "busy season" (!!). The kids were stressed and struggling, and it was because of me and my attitude. It is just so easy to forget how impressionable children are, especially the younger they are. Thankfully I had Emma who is always willing to jump right in, and she read to Tanner and got him to bed while I handled Sadie. (Tyler is always a perfect go-to-bed kid.)

I was on edge the whole night. Spencer got home, was stressed about work, and we were both on edge. Sadie was up twice that night (every night actually), which is a constant reminder of what a horrible sleeper she continues to be. While I was up with her the 2nd time (4 a.m.-ish) I was zombied out on the couch waiting for her to be done eating so I could go back to bed. As I looked out the big window in the living room, I saw a tiny sliver of the moon appearing above the tree line. It was tiny but was so bright, like it was on fire. I watched it slowly rise until it was out of sight for me, but as it rose it would get bright and then dim, and then bright again. I have no idea if this is common, or what made that happen, but I was glad I was there to see it and to have that uninterrupted time to watch the beautiful moon for those 20 minutes. It took my mind off the exhaustion.

Then yesterday we were at baseball. Sometimes it feels like we are always at baseball. It was Tyler's last game, no one was playing well, Sadie was sick with a cold and was grumpy, and I just wanted to go home. A lady with a big gorgeous dog walked by and I saw Sadie's head whip up to look. She saw the dog, and got excited. This was the first time she truly noticed an animal. And while I don't really like dogs, I am so glad I got to see that excitement on her face.

I am just so thankful for those little moments when all the hard craziness is suddenly so worth it. Last week we were driving and Spencer said, "In 18 months we will be DONE with the baby thing forever." I have thought about that a lot this last week. It will be a new stage of life for us. It is hard to say and truly makes my heart so sad, but I am also excited for what is next as well.

I had 15 minutes to myself today when big kids were at school and little kids were asleep. I read Elder Scott's talk from conference, For Peace at Home. It was just what I needed. My favorite part:

Be certain that every decision you make, whether temporal or spiritual, is conditioned on what the Savior would have you do. When He is the center of your home, there is peace and serenity. There is a spirit of assurance that pervades the home, and it is felt by all who dwell there.

So I guess this post is all a little random, but I want to remember to cherish those sweet and special little moments (like the gorgeous sparkling moon and Sadie's new discoveries), but also remember just how much I can influence and guide the level of happiness in my home. I want that spirit of assurance. Way more than we have it now.

And...13 days until school is out. Can't wait.