just thinking

I've been thinking about what to blog about. I have lots of things in my head right now I guess. My kids have been doing some funny things. Spencer got a bonus at work. But I feel the need to blog about my 3rd child, the one who I won't get to post first-day-of-school pictures of....the one I won't get to see eat her first birthday cake next month...The one I I had to say goodbye to before I ever really got to say hello.

I love that when Emma draws pictures of our family or writes all our names, she includes Macie. I love that we don't feel the need to go to the cemetery every week anymore, as we know she isn't actually there. I love that every helium balloon {still} goes straight to her in heaven. Life does go on, but it's different. And, as I recently heard, "Grief looks different on everyone."

I wish I'd soaked up that pregnancy more. I wish I hadn't complained about my swollen ankles. I wish I'd had just a little more time.

Anyway, on her 11 month birthday/angel-versary I just thought I should remind myself - physically - of her. We have plenty of reminders of our little angel in other ways.

freedom

I experienced a new sense of freedom yesterday. At the same time I experienced (a tiny amount of) loneliness! After dropping Tyler off at preschool I went to Michael's and the grocery store. Alone! In one hour I got all my shopping done, and still had an hour at home. (Aren't you feeling so sorry for me?) Yes, I had every reason to be productive and clean my house or something...but didn't.

I picked up Emma and she was excited to come get Tyler with me. When he ran out, he said, "Mom! I didn't even cry!" My little sweet homebody actually enjoyed it. That's what I call success. And go figure, I was asked to be the room rep for Emma's class. There goes most of my freedom.






*If you're thinking he wears this shirt a lot, you're right.

In his prayers last night, he prayed that "mommy won't be wonwee (lonely)." I'm thinking I'll be just fine.

Cameras

We had a bunch of people over for ice cream a few weeks ago. One of our friends commented on a picture of Tyler I had taken, and said how much he liked it. Spencer jumped in with, "She has a nice camera." And I do have a nice camera. But that picture in particular is one I am very proud of. Lately I've been realizing more and more that it is about the person behind the camera--as well as other factors--more than the actual camera.

My other camera is a Canon point and shoot and we've had it for years. It's a nice point and shoot. I love it! Some of my favorite, most crisp photos have come out of that camera! It's 10 megapixels, has a great zoom, and I set the ISO to 100 or 200 so that my pictures look pretty darn amazing. Nowadays I see pictures taken with camera phones and they look as good as pictures from actual cameras!

I have a friend who bought a Canon DSLR but after a few days realized it was too much for her. She took it back and got a slightly easier to use camera, that was a little cheaper but is still very nice. And it fits her. She knew she would never use the different settings and would probably just shoot on Auto, so I think she made a wise choice. And the camera she uses now (also a Canon) takes amazing pictures! Ahem, she takes amazing pictures. She didn't need the SLR to get what she wanted out of photography.

Sometimes I take crappy pictures. Sometimes the lighting is awful and there isn't much I can do about it. This happened a lot this past weekend. I think my point and shoot would have taken equally as good (or, equally as crappy) pictures. Thank goodness for Photoshop, so I can at least do a little color correcting.

Anyway, my main point is that it isn't the camera but the person and the lighting. I guess it's been on my mind the last few days since I have a bunch of pictures that need serious re-touching. Don't waste your money on a serious camera hoping for instant amazing pictures - it doesn't work that way. Sometimes I even prefer my little point and shoot. And Spencer no longer credits my camera when I happen to get a great photo. I'm not aspiring to be a professional photographer, but I do still have a lot to learn.

mixed emotions

I don't remember much about my first day of school. I don't know if I cried. Probably not. I do remember my first day of high school. In fact, for the first TWO days I thought I was going to puke. I was terrified.

I will always remember THIS first day of school. Emma's first day. I've been dreading it for weeks. Maybe because it means that in 12 days Tyler starts preschool and that means I have 8 hours a week ALONE. I still can't fathom that. It wasn't in the plans for me to be alone during the day at all, at least not for a few more years.

Back to Emma. I just have such mixed emotions about sending my sweetest little oldest child off to school. I am excited for her. I know there is a reason why kids go to school at age 5 - I know it's important for her to be there. But I can't shake the desire to keep her with me forever! Spencer gave her a blessing on Sunday night, which probably helped me more than her. She woke up this morning with a big grin on her face. I helped her get dressed today, she insisted on her hair in ponytail, and then we took the obligatory pictures outside the front door. The neighbor even noticed and came over to fawn over Emma.







At the school I made a mental note that perhaps Spencer should take work off to join me at the school next time, as it seems like that's what EVERY other family was doing (is it me, or is that weird?). Then Tyler and I walked home. On the walk to school this morning Emma asked me if I was going to cry. That little girl is so keen and smart...and sensitive. I am proud to say that I didn't cry until I got home.

When I picked her up she didn't have much to say, other than she loved it. I kept asking "what else??" to be met with blank stares. She did tell me one boy's name is "poop." (She really thought that was weird.) I sure hope she got that wrong...

Our first-day-of-school tradition, we decided, will be making chocolate chip cookies. Usually it's Spencer who makes cookies - he makes the best ones - but someone has to be at work so it fell on me. Yum!