on modesty

I have been serving in Young Women in my ward for 5 1/2 years. Before that I served in YW for 2 1/2 years in another ward. Modesty is always a hot topic. I have even been sat down by some women/friends and told that we as leaders need to work harder with the girls on modesty. I used to agree. I used to think the strictest adherence to modesty was the end-all be-all. 

Dressing modestly isn't always easy. I think it's a fun challenge to find cute clothes that cover all the right places, but I know that as a teen it is a real struggle. I remember it even being hard for me to find appropriate clothing 15 years ago.

I have learned two important things during my time working with the young women: 1) If our girls are at church and at activities, that is what is most important. We want them there. Sometimes they struggle and they can't make it. Sometimes they don't want to come. We want them to come! And we are going to do everything we can to make them feel welcome. There are times their clothing might be completely inappropriate and we need to talk to them privately, but in general we are happy to see them, no matter what they are wearing. Obviously if we are taking them to the temple that is different, and we emphasize the importance and significance of what we wear when we go there. 2) If girls' parents aren't going to police what they wear, it certainly is not our place to be that authority. We don't want them to be embarrassed. Sometimes we have girls who are new in the church and don't really know what to wear; we are happy to help them, especially if they ask us for help or guidance. But if our girls' parents brought them to church and didn't say anything we often won't choose to fight that battle. Maybe parents are choosing their battles as well.  It all goes back to point #1. (And I am writing this as a YW leader, not as a parent. Let's see what I think in a few years.)

I gave a lesson several months ago on standards. One we talked about was dress. I asked the girls why it is important to dress modestly and got several responses, all of them correect. I even found myself telling them to dress modestly for the boys around them, but I bristled as I said it, and it has bothered me ever since. Of course they should dress modestly to show respect for Heavenly Father and themselves. That is the overarching reason. One side effect might be how it affects the boys, but that is not the fault or responsibility of the girls. I don't think it is appropriate to teach them that they should be living their whole lives wondering what boys are thinking of their physical appearance.

I read this quote today and was so grateful to see it in writing! And I love that it came from an Apostle, Elder Holland:

“I have heard all my life that it is the young woman who has to assume the responsibility for controlling the limits of intimacy in courtship because a young man cannot. What an unacceptable response to such a serious issue! What kind of man is he, what priesthood or power or strength or self-control does this man have that lets him develop in society, grow to the age of mature accountability, perhaps even pursue a university education and prepare to affect the future of colleagues and kingdoms and the course of the world, but yet does not have the mental capacity or the moral will to say, ‘I will not do that thing?’ No, this sorry drugstore psychology would have us say, ‘He just can’t help himself. His glands have complete control over his life–his mind, his will, his entire future.’… I refuse to buy some young man’s feigned innocence who wants to sin and call it psychology.'”

Here is the entire article that got this post (floating around in my head for 4 months) verbalized finally.

I have always been a stickler for modesty, and I still am. It is important to show that respect for our bodies. I guess my reasoning has just evolved a little bit. And I have forever changed how I will teach that principle to my favorite young friends. The bigger, complete picture is what they will consider when they are choosing what to put on their bodies.