Monday, March 9, 2009

Reminiscing

Have you ever had your heart disagree with your mind? What did you do? One such event will always come to my mind, especially given the recent events in my life.

13 months and one week ago I sat in church with my family. All of a sudden I had this strong feeling it was time to have another baby. I wasn't ready - at least I didn't think I was - and tried to dismiss it. I couldn't. A few weeks later I told Spencer that it was time. He agreed.

Exactly one year ago I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified at the beginning, sure that something would go wrong or that I would miscarry (maybe slight foresight?). I remember being excited to tell Spencer, though. I had purchased a baby onesie that said "Tax deduction" on the front of it, and was excited to give it to him. (Oh, the things that are "exciting" when you're married to a tax accountant...) When I pulled it out and gave it to him he said, "Oh, that's cute." Clueless!! I told him we were having a baby (right around his birthday) and then I burst into tears. I remember sitting on the edge of my bed, so scared because I just felt uneasy. That scared feeling subsided as time went on. We even had a fetal heart echo done and everything looked wonderful.

I treasure that "feeling" I had, when I knew that there was another baby who needed to get her body and join our family. I had no similar experiences with my other two. I don't know if I'll ever have it again. It's been 4 1/2 months since our little girl became an angel. And the saying is right - time does heal. At first I was just SO SAD, and so frustrated that she had died just 12 days before she was to be born. That was all I could think about - being so sad. Then I moved into a jealousy/bitter stage. It bothered me that everyone else got to have their babies (last year was a HUGE birth year among my friends), and it really bothered me when I heard other moms complaining about how their babies were fussy, etc. I had several This isn't fair! breakdowns. Sometimes I still do. It's not fair.

I'm in a new stage now, I think. I'm feeling so blessed, like a loving Father is trying to make this as easy as possible given the circumstances. I want this experience to ultimately make me a better/stronger/nicer person, and hope so much that I will someday be better because of it. When I get down on myself, I try to think of Macie. I know she's not sad. She's probably having the time of her life with cousins and great-grandparents (and others), and she is just fine. That makes me feel better.

So instead of grumbling when I hear of yet another pregnancy, I will look forward to the day when it can once again (hopefully!) be my turn.

*I am so thankful for some new acquaintances I've made (via blogs)--other young moms who have recently had similar experiences. My heart aches for them, especially when it is their first baby. What a "support group" it's turned out to be though!

14 comments:

hales said...

Great post. And I think Macie is happy too. But I have to believe that she does feel some sadness to know that she misses out on General Conference Priesthood shopping with her mom, sister, and grandma. (Or is she "above" that??) :-)

Cheri said...

Uh, I feel sadness at missing out on General Conference shopping.

Laura said...

I love that you can be so open about sharing your experience and feelings. I don't know if I could be so giving. We love you Wirthlins and think you are amazing. I am excited for your next pregnancy, and nervous for you too as I am sure it will be full of unexpected emotion. And I hope you don't beat your self up too much if you grumble a little about morning sickness and sleepless nights. I do remember how worried you were about Macie's pregnancy, even when everything seemed to be alright.

Natalie N said...

What a sweet post, Cheri. Thanks for being so real on the blog. I don't think I can fathom the range of emotions you have been through in the last 4-5 months. But I know that I admire you & Spencer for your faith, strength, and perspective. We love you guys!

Driel said...

Thank you for that wonderful reminder of gratitude! There is so much to be grateful for and I often find myself grumbling. Thank you for your light! Also, I need a onesie like that.

The Brown Family said...

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, I can't tell you how much I have felt everything you wrote at one point of the past 5weeks!! Life has changed before our eyes, but our eternity has only begun!

April said...

You are amazing. Its only been a few shorts months and you seem to be so strong. Thank you so much for your words. We are truly blessed to be eternal families. My due date was supposed to be this sunday, but my baby boy Harrison was born at 21 weeks due to a placental aburption that had been happening from the beginning. I am so glad to hear you are in a good place, I am hoping after this week that I will be there soon. Your in my thought and prayers. April harrysinheaven.blogspot.com

Kylee said...

Cheri, I am sorry. I didn't know that had happened. You really are a strong person, and I want you to know that all of those feelings are completely normal and good to have. It is a big loss, and you need to grieve accordingly. I have had multiple miscarriages in the past year and a half, so I can somewhat relate to the feelings. There is hope, because Heavenly Father is in charge and will bless you with another child when the time is right.

Gary and Michelle said...

We love you Cheri and Spencer. And we learn so much from all that you share.

Kristina and Tyson said...

Pretty sure you are the most inspiring person ever! Thanks Cheri for helping me too to remember how blessed we are even in our trials! I hope that even more your pain will heal with time! Little Macie, I miss her too!

Sarah Garner said...

Hi Cheri!

Wow, I can relate with sooo much of what you said! My little girl was stillborn at 35 weeks last year.

I'm so glad that you are doing so well, it is very indicative of your faith in our Saviors plan for us, and for our little ones!

I have set up a blog for mommies of angel babies. I would love to add your link to my angel mommy link list, I think others could gather a lot of strength from your words!

Here is the link if you want to check it out first: http://latterdaykeepsakesangelbabies.blogspot.com/
If you are interested in having your link added email me, we'd love to have you!

If you ever want a keepsake made for baby Macie, I'd be honored to do that too!

Take care, and if you ever need to talk, vent etc... please feel free to email me: zeeneye@gmail.com

With love,

Sarah Garner

little mrs w said...

I love you, Cheri.

Melanie said...

Cheri,
I can't imagine how hard it's been, especially with all of the new babies that have been born to family and friends lately. Life definitely isn't fair, and I often wonder why bad things happen to good people. I miss Macie too and wish she could be here to play with Austin. I'm sure they knew each other before.
I am so glad that I met you and that we have become good friends. You constantly inspire me to be a better person.

The Howard Bolton Family said...

I am so grateful that you have been a part of my life. You have taught me some lessons that I had hoped I would never have to learn. I am glad that you have taken that part of you that wants to serve and are reaching out to others around you to help them ease their pain. One person can change the world around them. I can testify of that principle.