Reminiscing

Have you ever had your heart disagree with your mind? What did you do? One such event will always come to my mind, especially given the recent events in my life.

13 months and one week ago I sat in church with my family. All of a sudden I had this strong feeling it was time to have another baby. I wasn't ready - at least I didn't think I was - and tried to dismiss it. I couldn't. A few weeks later I told Spencer that it was time. He agreed.

Exactly one year ago I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified at the beginning, sure that something would go wrong or that I would miscarry (maybe slight foresight?). I remember being excited to tell Spencer, though. I had purchased a baby onesie that said "Tax deduction" on the front of it, and was excited to give it to him. (Oh, the things that are "exciting" when you're married to a tax accountant...) When I pulled it out and gave it to him he said, "Oh, that's cute." Clueless!! I told him we were having a baby (right around his birthday) and then I burst into tears. I remember sitting on the edge of my bed, so scared because I just felt uneasy. That scared feeling subsided as time went on. We even had a fetal heart echo done and everything looked wonderful.

I treasure that "feeling" I had, when I knew that there was another baby who needed to get her body and join our family. I had no similar experiences with my other two. I don't know if I'll ever have it again. It's been 4 1/2 months since our little girl became an angel. And the saying is right - time does heal. At first I was just SO SAD, and so frustrated that she had died just 12 days before she was to be born. That was all I could think about - being so sad. Then I moved into a jealousy/bitter stage. It bothered me that everyone else got to have their babies (last year was a HUGE birth year among my friends), and it really bothered me when I heard other moms complaining about how their babies were fussy, etc. I had several This isn't fair! breakdowns. Sometimes I still do. It's not fair.

I'm in a new stage now, I think. I'm feeling so blessed, like a loving Father is trying to make this as easy as possible given the circumstances. I want this experience to ultimately make me a better/stronger/nicer person, and hope so much that I will someday be better because of it. When I get down on myself, I try to think of Macie. I know she's not sad. She's probably having the time of her life with cousins and great-grandparents (and others), and she is just fine. That makes me feel better.

So instead of grumbling when I hear of yet another pregnancy, I will look forward to the day when it can once again (hopefully!) be my turn.

*I am so thankful for some new acquaintances I've made (via blogs)--other young moms who have recently had similar experiences. My heart aches for them, especially when it is their first baby. What a "support group" it's turned out to be though!