this week

• I got mastitis for the first - and hopefully last - time.
• Tyler had one of the worst days of his life, that ended with lots of thorns in his hands and elbows.
• Emma compared me to a pig and how they feed their babies.
• Emma left me a note (notes are a nightly occurrence) saying when she's a mom she isn't going to yell at her kids (wanna bet?). Ouch.
• Some of our good friends moved away.
• I tried to let Tanner cry it out, but after 75 minutes couldn't take it anymore. It put me in a bad mood and I felt awful the rest of the day. His will is stronger than mine.
• Spencer was gone for two days and by the time he got home I had never been happier to see him.
• So...Spencer took the big kids to work with him yesterday (Saturday).
• Tanner started interacting/playing with me. He's lucky, because that's the ONLY thing that saved him this week.

Saying I'm glad it's over would be an understatement.

best and worst

I can't tell you how many times the famous words It was the best of times, it was the worst of times have gone through my head in the last two months (and I don't even like that book)!

There is almost nothing I love more than a tiny baby. I love the smells, the snuggling, the feeling, the staring into each other's eyes. I love how it feels to hold and love someone who grew inside of me for so long. I love the purity of a baby, knowing that he came straight from heaven. I love showing him off, and hearing "he's so cute!" all the time. I love how he smiles at me, even when he's eating, and I almost cried last night when he (finally!) smiled at Spencer. And, I love being SO loved by the baby...I love how he calms down when I hold him and how he snuggles up into my neck, how he knew immediately that I'm his mom and that I love him more than anything. I love that after 9 weeks I am finally pain-free.

At the same time, I can't imagine anything more hard or emotional. I feel like my emotions are so heightened for the weeks after the birth. I get so frustrated when I hear the baby's crying for the 8th time during the night. I cringe when he wakes up every single time I put him down for a nap. I get frustrated when he wakes up every single time the car stops. And when he's so overtired from NOT sleeping, I completely run out of patience. I hate how sometimes I don't know what he wants. I hate that he won't take a pacifier, but I am persistent and continue to put it in his mouth even when he's asleep just so maybe, just maybe he'll get used to it and like it. It grosses me out that I have only changed ONE plain wet diaper in 2 months; the kid messes his pants at least 8 times a day. I don't like that I get nothing done. It bugs me that I often intend to vacuum for 5 days before it actually happens. I wish he'd grow up quickly and be a little more easy to handle, but the larger part of me is devastated that he's growing up so fast and I wish I could freeze time and keep him a sweet little baby forever.

So you see, I am either crazy with my ups and downs or I'm just a regular mom who experiences such drastic emotions with a new baby. Regardless, I sure love this kid. I love holding him and playing with him. Maybe because, as Spencer says, I had to be pregnant for 18 months to get him. And I'm so so grateful.

tanner's day

Spencer blessed Tanner in church on Sunday. It was pretty low-key but it was just how I wanted it. Spencer did a great job, as always. Tanner was (shockingly) so good during the blessing, and just looked around and was quite alert, from what I heard. Maybe it had to do with the fact that he was wearing his BYU socks and they had just won the day before.

Or maybe it was because his Grandma and Papa were able to be here and hold him to his little heart's content.

Regardless, I'm glad he was happy and cooperative. He's such a sweet boy.

i blinked

Will someone please tell me when we became old fogies? Old enough to have two kids in school? Now I can't stop thinking about how soon college will be here... (Emma was taking the picture.)

Someone else please tell me when I became so emotional! I cried the whole walk home! Thankfully, Spencer came with us this year and was able to console a sulking wife as we pushed Tanner home in the stroller. Thank goodness for Tanner.

At least this boy will still blow me kisses while my heart is breaking a little bit. When I picked him up he told me about all the kids who "didn't keep the rules." He is SO Spencer's child.

And this girl...she asked me if she could be shy the first day. Haha. Check out her wardrobe. That's her grandma's influence.

How many days until summer break?

my oldest

Before I even got pregnant with Emma, I knew we would be having a girl. The doctor surprised us at my first appointment, at 16 weeks, and told us they could already tell and that it was a girl (that part wasn't surprising). I was thrilled. And now I can say what a phenomenal baby she was, especially after having these two boys who weren't/aren't quite so phenomenal...

I am so lucky Emma came first. She is always asking for Tanner after I feed him, so he isn't permanently attached to me like Tyler was. And he loves her! He rarely cries when she's toting him around, even though he'll usually cry when I take him back. Basically Emma is eating up the whole baby thing going on around here, as evidenced by this picture.

(Doesn't he look so happy?)

I love knowing I am raising my own baby-sitter, and a future mother. After Macie died Emma told me she was never having kids, as all she knew or remembered of my childbearing experience was grief, but she has now changed her mind and wants 100. I'll settle for anything in between. I'm glad she's getting to mother this little guy - I think it's therapeutic for her and is also giving her some good practice. And I'm glad she's around for another week before she's in school FULL DAY (yikes).

I love this girl. What a blessing she is to me.

(Helping him play "Go Fish.")

1 month

It's been a fun/stressful/busy month around here.

It's hard to go from having a 6 and 5 year old to throwing a newborn in the mix. The kids are so patient when I tell them they have to wait for things because I'm "feeding the baby." I had forgotten that it can take an hour to feed a newborn.


We traveled to LA for my only sister's wedding (3 weeks post-partum). I cried through the whole thing (and my head cold didn't help). All the wedding events were wonderful. So happy for them.

Spencer has worked more during this time period than ever before. It makes me wonder if we'll ever be able to use his 2 weeks of paid paternity leave...maybe someday things will slow down.

Speaking of Spencer...he has a new calling. So in addition to being alone on weekday evenings with the kids right now, I'm also alone on Sundays. Blessings, right?

Tanner has taken after his older siblings: not great nappers but pretty good night sleepers. I definitely prefer that, but sometimes during the day I wonder if it's worth it. (Don't let the yawn fool you.)


I start to feel great, then do "too much" (which is really nothing at all) and pay for it the next day. Incision is still sore.

Tanner has smiled at me - a real smile - 3 times now.

And, I finally got some newborn pictures of him. It took me until he was 4 weeks old but at least it's something.