one hour

I have one hour left until I get my kids home for 10 weeks. Hooray. And while I didn't get everything done that I wanted to before that final bell, I got most of it done.

Here is proof.

My cute baby sitting on top of these suitcases that were super ugly, and are now are quite cute. Or maybe it's the person that makes them cute?

Not bad for free, right? (suitcases, not the baby.)

Maybe it will be a blessing, come the end of August, that Sadie is a horrible sleeper. Because she is so inconsistent and has no schedule, it is easy to make the decision to forego her naps and cater to the big kids and their fun desires. I shouldn't call that decision easy...just easier. Sigh.

Remember how we took pictures like this last year? On the first day of school we do pictures in front of the door, and on the last day we jump and scream and yell with excitement...also in front of the door. Spencer wanted to "jump" off the porch again with the kids. This year he got a little more air...after I laughed at him for only jumping a few inches at first.

I love all the facial expressions. And we really DO feel like this. Excited! (White men CAN jump.)

Next year I will be in some.... and Tanner and Sadie won't be crying. Actually, they probably will.

Here we go!!!

at home

I have noticed, particularly this week, just how much my attitude and actions affect and even control the feel inside our home. Having 4 kids isn't easy, though I realize I am lucky in a lot of ways. Most nights I do dinner/baths/homework/bedtime on my own, which sometimes frazzles me.

Monday night was crazy. It is a good sign that I don't remember why exactly it was crazy, but I just remember wanting to pass out once everyone was asleep. I was grumpy for some reason and was probably mumbling about how it is always "busy season" (!!). The kids were stressed and struggling, and it was because of me and my attitude. It is just so easy to forget how impressionable children are, especially the younger they are. Thankfully I had Emma who is always willing to jump right in, and she read to Tanner and got him to bed while I handled Sadie. (Tyler is always a perfect go-to-bed kid.)

I was on edge the whole night. Spencer got home, was stressed about work, and we were both on edge. Sadie was up twice that night (every night actually), which is a constant reminder of what a horrible sleeper she continues to be. While I was up with her the 2nd time (4 a.m.-ish) I was zombied out on the couch waiting for her to be done eating so I could go back to bed. As I looked out the big window in the living room, I saw a tiny sliver of the moon appearing above the tree line. It was tiny but was so bright, like it was on fire. I watched it slowly rise until it was out of sight for me, but as it rose it would get bright and then dim, and then bright again. I have no idea if this is common, or what made that happen, but I was glad I was there to see it and to have that uninterrupted time to watch the beautiful moon for those 20 minutes. It took my mind off the exhaustion.

Then yesterday we were at baseball. Sometimes it feels like we are always at baseball. It was Tyler's last game, no one was playing well, Sadie was sick with a cold and was grumpy, and I just wanted to go home. A lady with a big gorgeous dog walked by and I saw Sadie's head whip up to look. She saw the dog, and got excited. This was the first time she truly noticed an animal. And while I don't really like dogs, I am so glad I got to see that excitement on her face.

I am just so thankful for those little moments when all the hard craziness is suddenly so worth it. Last week we were driving and Spencer said, "In 18 months we will be DONE with the baby thing forever." I have thought about that a lot this last week. It will be a new stage of life for us. It is hard to say and truly makes my heart so sad, but I am also excited for what is next as well.

I had 15 minutes to myself today when big kids were at school and little kids were asleep. I read Elder Scott's talk from conference, For Peace at Home. It was just what I needed. My favorite part:

Be certain that every decision you make, whether temporal or spiritual, is conditioned on what the Savior would have you do. When He is the center of your home, there is peace and serenity. There is a spirit of assurance that pervades the home, and it is felt by all who dwell there.

So I guess this post is all a little random, but I want to remember to cherish those sweet and special little moments (like the gorgeous sparkling moon and Sadie's new discoveries), but also remember just how much I can influence and guide the level of happiness in my home. I want that spirit of assurance. Way more than we have it now.

And...13 days until school is out. Can't wait.

20 days

I am giddy, and I am annoyed. In just 20 days my kids will be done with school for the summer (hooray for ALL of us), but this is our shortest summer yet as school starts a week earlier in the "fall" (it's really still summer), and we get out so late this year. I feel jipped already. BUT! Having the big kids home makes life so much more fun and easy.

And while I am thrilled by the idea of having them home, I have some things I am rushing to get done before that last bell so that I can enjoy this summer and the crazy, fun things we have planned.

*I have wanted some cool-looking vintage suitcases for a while. Why? I don't really know. Maybe to use ONCE in a photo shoot. After that there are no guarantees. Emma and I were driving to a baby shower a couple weeks ago and I saw some ugly vintage-y black suitcases (?) outside someone's house that said "free" so I slammed on the brakes and made Emma grab them (I am pretty sure my mom would be so proud). They are still sitting, dirty, in my garage. I have grand ideas of how to make them look like this... so I should get on that pronto.

*I want to paint something! Because I am not in the position to take on a bedroom or other "big" room, I am thinking of doing one of the smaller bookshelves. I even have the spray paint. Now to find the time and energy to make it happen. (Painting one of the chocolate brown ones turquoise...)

*Exercise! This might actually get easier once my kids are home. I have grand intentions of running a few miles a couple times a week. Then I'm up half the night, I'm holding a baby who is so cute but doesn't want to be put down for even a split second, then I'm getting kids off to school, and then I am using her precious 20 minute naptime to shower... Once I have a few more hands I can surely exercise, but it would be nice to start now. Anyone exercise at night? I have done that a few times but I hate showering twice...and I prefer to run before eating for the day. I would love to get a few more pounds off though. It doesn't just fall off after #5.

*Organize. I have so many bins of too-big/too-small clothes that need to be swapped in or out. Crowding in the bedrooms is a real thing. Too-small bedrooms never bothered me until now. Gotta get on that.

*Baseball/piano wrap-ups. Both of these GOOD things are almost over. Happy and sad about that.

*Sleep training  I shouldn't even list this because it's a joke and nothing works, but I am determined to crack Sadie's "code" and get her sleeping. I can't fathom what sleeping more than 5 hours feels like because I can't remember anymore, but that is the goal! It would be nice to have her sleeping this summer...just to interrupt her schedule twice a week and mess her all up again. :)

Bring on summer!

mother heart

I got to spend part of last week with most of the most important women in my life. I was with my mom, sister, niece, and two aunts (and Sadie of course). There is something so calming and strengthening about being surrounded by those who know more than me, and know different than me.

I have a lot of friends and family members who have had/are having fertility problems. I myself have never had those kinds of problems, but my heart knows the ache of wanting to hold a (certain) baby. Yet there are so so many people who have mothered me, and who have and who do mother my children. One dear friend (who has 4 kids of her own) decided to take on a project and chose my sweet Emma to "mentor" and help make a gift for me for Mother's Day. While it was apparent early on that she was working on something for me, I had absolutely no idea what it was. Emma was up late each night, working away in her room or at the neighbor's house getting more help.

And while I was out of town, she had the chance to finish this perfect masterpiece (pillow).

I feel like my entire heart is on this little pillow. Those handprints and that tiny heart are a perfect reminder of what fills up my heart so much it could burst. And what a great reminder to me that we can influence everyone around us just because we are women. Because it is inside of us. I am so so grateful to my dear friend who took the time to nurture Emma and help her make this special gift for me.

And for my friends who continue to long to be mothers in the truest sense of the word...in the meantime I am so grateful that they remind me what is most important. I have it all in front of me, and I need to remember to be oh so thankful. And to my friend who is not yet a mom, but had a cute little 2 year old with her today, taking care of her and watching over her, it looked so perfect.

halfway to one

Oh boy, is it ever true that as a parent the moments go by soooo sloooow but on the whole the time just whizzes by.

Alas, my sweet baby has been with us for half a year now. And I feel like I only just blinked. But then I remember how nights are STILL long and tedious, how I change so.many.diapers every single day (actually, very few of hers and very many of her older brother's), how she only likes me, and how I am virtually attached to this little human all the time.

I am still figuring her out. I spend so much time trying to keep her happy, and my other kids suffer a little in the process. It's good for them though, to wait their turn, to deal with crazy people (read: their mom), and to learn to share.

I hate parenting/baby books. I've read a lot of them and they never make me feel better. I have had lots of kids and none of them has fit any mold. After reading about 6 books when Tanner was small I vowed never again to mess with it. I know my baby best of all, and I know what is best. Even if I don't know all that well, I still know better than some doctor in a book.

Sadie is a baby who just NEEDS me. She needs more comfort, more physical touch than most. Than any of my others. Emma was Miss Independent and it's gone downhill from there. Sadie won't cry it out - she will cry her whole life if I let her. She just needs me (sometimes too much). Now that I can accept that I can move on. These last 48 hours since that realization have been liberating for me. That is who she is and someday I am certain I will miss being needed THAT much.

Anyway...
Sadie has one tooth, almost 2. She was an early-ish teether, like Emma. She used to sleep 8-hour stretches at night but now she barely makes it 3. I don't know what it feels like to wake up rested, and I imagine it will take a while longer for me to remember. She thinks Tanner is the funniest person alive, she admires Tyler, she likes to play with Emma, and she admires her dad from afar. She adores me, still. It's endearing, I must say. She can sit up (hooray), she still only poops once a week (!), and she has a great personality. She is BUSY. She is 16 lbs 13 oz. I can't wait to see what the next 6 months bring us. Because truly, it can only go up.

We sure love this girl.

field trip

I need to brag about my first-born for a minute. I sometimes could burst with pride for this girl.

A field trip information sheet came home a few weeks ago. It might be the final field trip of the year and Emma wanted a parent to chaperone this time. Because I can't yet leave Sadie for 4 hours, and can't fathom leaving her with someone - anyone! - for 4 hours to endure her antics, we deferred to Spencer to see if he could swing it. He works a ton and has meetings every single day. He looked at his calendar. Two meetings.

He told her he would try to move them. She had a week to turn in the papers.

Each evening Emma would sweetly ask her dad if he thought he could go. He sometimes forgot to try to move the meeting, and sometimes he was in the process of getting the day cleared up. He would tell her to remind him in the morning. She never nagged or whined, but would calmly remind him to keep trying.

Finally he figured out how he could make it to her field trip, though he was quite indifferent about the whole thing. He told her he would be there and she looked happy. But our neighbor told us later just how excited Emma was as they walked to school that morning. Jumping up and down, screaming that her dad was going on a field trip! I'm so glad that I heard about this; I immediately called Spencer and told him just what a BIG DEAL it was to her that he was going. He felt guilty for not deciding and prioritizing that sooner.

It was a good lesson to both of us that we should do anything in our power to make our individual kids happy. Really, those little things sometimes make the biggest impact. And it reinforced to me just what a good girl Emma is. Her maturity blows me away. She was so excited to show off her dad to her class and even wanted to go buy a new shirt for the occasion.

They had a great time. A train ride up the canyon! It didn't even seem to matter that it was 94 degrees. I think Emma was the happiest girl in her class.

I love that the conductor made an appearance in this photo.

We are already arguing over who gets to go on her field trips next year - they are pretty amazing ones!