embracing the crazy

You know what, I really can't change my kids' personalities. (Shocking, right?) Tyler was a needy, clingy baby and now he's incredibly independent. He's just fine. Tanner is incredibly clingy and needy but it doesn't really bother me or stress me out like it did with Tyler. I'm embracing it instead. I've decided to embrace just how much he loves me. So what if he can't be next to me and has to be ON my lap? Someday he won't want to be on my lap and I'm going to wish so badly that he would just let me hold him. So what if he won't sit in the cart at Target and has to be held? The Bjorn might as well get some more use before he's too big and I'm left with a limp, dirty, spit-covered baby carrier, and a walking running toddler.

With every stage of Tanner's baby-ness I get incredibly nostalgic. Like right now, for example. Tanner is on the verge of crawling. I am thrilled on one hand because maybe he won't sit there and cry for me, but instead he can follow me and keep his mind off the fact he isn't being held. But on the other hand it makes me so sad. This is probably the last time I'll be teaching/helping a baby to crawl. And soon it will be the last time I have a baby learning to walk. And then the last time I will have a child at home with me during the day...

So, I'm embracing the craziness. I love it, because I know how badly I'm going to want all this back in a few years. Being a mom is so hard. It's also the most rewarding thing I can think of. But, I only think it's rewarding because it's so hard. If it was a cake walk I don't think I would get as much satisfaction and happiness from it all. While I will be a mom forever, this stage won't last forever and I think it's this stage (maybe the hardest one) that I will miss the most.

Here's what makes it all so rewarding.

Go ahead and embrace the mommy chaos. It will be over much too soon!

oh provo

In honor of the Cougars making it to the Sweet 16...

There is something so familiar, so comforting about going to Provo. Everything there has a memory for me. I only lived there for 4 1/2 years but those were some of my favorite years. I started college, I hiked the Y all the time, I figured out who I was, I learned that college was hard stuff, and I learned a lot about real life. I met Spencer there, was an EFY counselor there, graduated from college, and had my first baby there. It was the hardest and the best of times. I rubbed shoulders with the cream of the crop. We all (almost all) lived the Honor Code with pride. Provo consumes you; there is nothing quite like it. I felt euphoric as we walked around. Even the smell of the hand soap on campus took me back.

The chance to go came up last week, and aside from leaving two of my kids behind we were thrilled. It was a quick recruiting trip, just 36 hours, but we managed to eat all my favorites - Cafe Rio, Texas Roadhouse, Magleby's, Brick Oven and BYU bookstore chocolate covered cinnamon bears. I got to see some old friends (but not all of them, darn it), some former YW, and some family.

I got only one picture, with a cell phone nonetheless, and Spencer doesn't look too great with his eyes closed. And don't mind the color they're wearing. But our cute little guy, even though he won't remember, got to join his parents at the place where they met. (If we'd been really sappy and specific we would have gone to the SWKT auditorium.)

I love Provo. I love BYU.

Go Cougs!

8 months

Tanner has now been outside of me as long as he was inside of me, give or take a few days. And I can finally say that I'm sorta figuring this child out. Hooray for that. We spend a lot of time each day looking at each other (it isn't enough to be next to me; he must be on my lap or in my arms). As a result, I sure love his face. Now that he can sit, I plop him facing me and we make each other laugh a ton. His dimples melt my heart.

Tanner is a good conversation piece. Really. I can't say how many times I get stopped anytime I go anywhere, by people wanting to talk to him and tell me just how cute he is. I think all my babies have been very cute, but with him there's something else. I think it's the darling cheeks and dimples - they just scream BABY, and everyone loves it. However, today a nice Scottish man and a grocery bagger both told me it's his eyes that make him so beautiful. I can't make it through Costco without at least 3 or 4 people making comments about him.

He is full of personality. Most of the time I am just so grateful to have an energetic, playful baby. He loves peek-a-boo, loves singing every baby song I can think of, loves nursery rhymes, etc. He still smiles with his whole body. His laugh is adorable.

I never though I'd say it but I'm sad he's growing up. He's been so hard and so needy since day 1 but at the same time it is so satisfying to know I've given him everything he needs, and wants. :)

This kid loves his dad. Both Emma and Tyler went through stages as babies where they "forgot" Spencer because they would only see him on Sundays. Tanner only sees him for a few minutes in the mornings (and on Sundays a little bit) but he leaps out of my arms to go to him. This morning Spencer took him for a minute before walking out the door and Tanner looked pleased as punch. I put my arms out to take him back and he leaned away from me. Wow! So that's what it feels like! I love that he loves his dad. Now only if they could love each other in the middle of the night, and leave me out of it completely...

We sure adore this little boy, this little towhead.

my busy season

I don't know why I get a certain amount of satisfaction from the fact that Spencer is still learning things about me, even though we've known each other for almost 10 years. I really don't feel like I'm mysterious. But anyway...

So we have once again found ourselves in the craziness of tax season. Perhaps the fact that Spencer isn't home much, combined with the fact that it's cold and we're inside a lot, was making me a bit stir crazy. Add that to my sudden love for HGTV and he had to know something was coming. I never "nest" when I'm pregnant. I "nest" when life is full of stress. Spencer knew I was literally itching to do a project. He kept saying, "I can help you! Just give me a few weeks, and then we can do it together!" But he was totally missing the point. I had to do it on my own. I guess it's my outlet. I think women will understand this, and men might be baffled just like he was.

I've learned something about myself these last few months. I really like being in my bedroom. I like the coziness of it, being able to sit on a bed instead of on the couch where it's crazy and the kids do their homework and build Lego creations. My room might be teeny tiny, but I really like to be in there. As I've been in there a lot lately (feeding Tanner, folding laundry, etc.), I realized I wanted to change it. Don't get me wrong, I loved my room. Here is what it looked like from the day we moved in until just yesterday:

I painted it, along with two friends, this blue color, and I really did like it. And I still liked it even when I decided to be done with it. The blue was just too specific, and I needed to change my bedding (more on that later), and because it was so blue, it wasn't going to match at all.

So, because I lose my mind slightly every tax season, I decided to totally re-do my bedroom. That was going to be my project - my outlet. To prove how crazy I am, I even toyed with the idea of painting my bed! I'm glad I sort of came to my senses...

I found a great bedding set that I loved online at Macy's for $250. Yeah right.

So, I went and found it (also new) on ebay for $60. I won that auction, and instantly had a color scheme. I headed off to the hardware store to look at paint samples. It was my lucky day because their section of "oops" paint had exactly what I was looking for. I can't think of much that is better than a $5 gallon of Benjamin Moore paint, in exactly the right color.

At this point I decided to go all out and even order a print for a frame I've had for a long time. Did you know you can order prints from Costco? Pictures from a gallery of 20,000? Because my bedding had poppies in it (but not a whole lot of color), I found a picture of pink poppies, and I think it complements the room nicely. (Now to decide where to put it - above the bed or on another wall? Ideas? It's much bigger than it looks.)

I found a clearanced pillowtop mattress pad for $20. And lastly, the sheets we've had since before we got married finally got a hole in them (and my back-up set is pretty thrashed as well), so I ordered new sheets. As a sidenote, Spencer admitted to me two weeks ago that he has been completely converted to my insistence of buying high thread-count sheets. Thank you very much; that is music to my ears.

I had all my supplies for an entirely new room, and they all just sat in my laundry room while I waited for my opportunity to paint. It's hard to move furniture all by yourself, and Spencer rarely has any extra minutes to help me do that part. I finally talked him into helping me shimmy the bed out 2 feet from the wall, so I was able to paint that wall last Saturday while he was at work and while the big kids were home to help me with Tanner. As I didn't want it to turn into a weeks-long project, I decided to power through and paint the remaining 3 walls two days later (yesterday).

I baby-sat two girls in the morning, had to go to the school 3 times, had to deal with a baby, did the laundry, edited a paper AND painted the rest of the room! I had to move the dressers out by myself but doing it carefully and slowly was ok. And, even though I finished at 11 pm and Tanner was up shortly after, I love love love how it turned out. This lighter gray color (with a slight hint of lavender) matches the bedding, is very neutral, and also makes my little room feel just a little bigger.

Last night as I was peeling the tape off the ceiling (when he got home at 10:30) I said to Spencer, "I love it! And I'm not going to paint this room again." He instantly said, "I don't believe that for a second." I'm serious though. I just need to find a new project for this summer when he's really busy again so that his crazy work life doesn't consume mine.

february loves

What I'm lovin':
*Immobility. Tanner STILL doesn't roll over. Strange, but it doesn't concern me. Why? Tyler NEVER rolled over. He just wasn't interested. I think Tanner is the same. Also, he is almost never down on the ground because he throws a complete fit, so I guess he just doesn't get practice. Fine by me; less baby-proofing to worry about. However, I can't wait for him to start crawling. Maybe he will follow me around and not insist on being held.
*Crazy weather. A few weeks ago it might as well have been summer, and now they are predicting SNOW here. What?! Never boring.
*Emma wanting to sleep in the boys' room. She is in a phase where she doesn't want to be alone. So, she's taken up to bunking in the bunk. Seeing all three of my kids sleeping in one small space makes my heart feel like it might explode (that is, if they actually are all sleeping....).
*On that same note, my big kids asking if they can "have Tanner" while they are playing. I love getting a few minutes of freedom, and enjoy seeing Tanner play with something girly while being the complete center of attention. The center of someone else's attention. Heaven.
*HGTV. I used to watch Fox News during my free time (meaning, baby-feeding time), and I just got plain sick of the news. Now I know exactly how to fix all the things in my house that need fixing, and I have a serious itch to do projects. Perhaps I should become an interior designer, because I think I've seen every episode of every show. I now say "window treatments" instead of "curtains" and "space" instead of "room." The best part? Tyler and Emma love it as much as I do. They're the ones who encouraged me to keep entering the dream home giveaway, for the home in Vermont. :)
*The Wii. We only let the kids play on Fridays after school and on Saturdays. And the little lovelies don't complain about it at all! It's still new and exciting to them. It saves me with Spencer working 80 hours a week and being gone on Saturdays. Did you know redbox rents out Wii games? Love that too.
*SORE leg muscles. Why is it so fiercely satisfying to be sore? Maybe because it means I'm finally using them? I'm hoping to say goodbye to the jello soon enough (I just blame 4 pregnancies, but still...time's up).
*My YW. They're so awesome. I am SO going to miss the ones heading to college this fall.
*Spencer being able to balance everything. He spends a few quality minutes with the kids in the morning. He leaves work at 9:30 at night, sometimes heads to the church to take care of a few things, and makes it home in a good mood, just in time to go to bed. Unbelievable. I don't know how he does it, but I love that he does it.
(I won't go into all the things I'm NOT loving, like repeated strep/mastitis, lots of rain, the fact that peace signs seem to be on every piece of children's clothing, and a cute stinker baby who has made it his little life's mission to be sure his mom doesn't ever sleep more than 3 hours at a time.)

discipline

Two things:
1. The few times Spencer has had to discipline Emma, it has completely devastated her. She gets really embarrassed and it takes her a long time to recover from it. Whenever I discipline her, she is sad for a minute and then gets over it. This doesn't happen much with her because she's pretty darn good, almost all the time.
2. A couple months ago I bought Tyler some new pajamas. His were all too small or not great for the colder weather. I chose the Star Wars Legos ones. Tyler loved them. When Spencer got home from work that night, right before the kids went to bed, he saw Tyler's pajamas and they instantly--almost as if prompted--started pretend fighting with light sabers. Sound effects were included. It was one of those moments when I didn't quite "get" it, but it did make me smile. And I got to thinking.

I have gradually realized something in the last year or so, about how my kids respond to different things. Since I am the one with them all the time, if they need to be disciplined I would much rather it be from me, handled right away. This is effective; as they are still quite innocent and don't get in trouble often it's not a big deal. They really are good, and they rarely fight with each other or with other people.

When Spencer gets home they see it as play time; and he does too, apparently. I want it to always be that way, especially since he often has long hours at work (like right now). When he gets home, I want all of them to be happy to see each other. So, I have made the decision to handle that lame part of parenting - disciplining - by myself when possible. Obviously this won't always work or be wise, depending on the situation, but I would rather be the "bad guy" for a few minutes, and then we can all get over it and have fun again, and have Spencer get to come home and not have to discipline or be the "bad guy." And I certainly never want them to be scared of him. With all that he does, I think he deserves to be the "good guy" as much as possible.